You made me cry and you don't even care
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
