After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
