hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
