So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
