so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
