Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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