i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
