Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
