I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
