I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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