Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
