I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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