you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
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