I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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