if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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