Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
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