there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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