Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
