Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
