I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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