at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
