on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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