life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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