after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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