Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
