woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Randomize
