what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
