It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
