I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
