yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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