The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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