okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
