i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
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you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
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we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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