yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
