Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
