This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
zippers are such a cool invention
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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