my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
