just tell him i said nine months
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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