just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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