eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
