you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
