I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
