Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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