I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Randomize
