she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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