Is it because I queefed?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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