HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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