life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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