Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
