Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
