Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
