so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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