Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
