Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
