did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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