so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
