I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
