Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
