Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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