Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
