I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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