Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
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Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
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I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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