I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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