Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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