I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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