Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
where are you?
Hypothermia
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
