i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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